Ronald Reagan’s Pocket Library of One Liners

Long before he entered the White House, Ronald Reagan had been building a personal archive of jokes, quotations, anecdotes, and 'zingers'. By the time he became president in 1981, he had amassed thousands of them, neatly handwritten on small cards that lived in shoeboxes, folders, and desk drawers.

"Nothing like a vote in the U.N. to tell you who your friends used to be."

Reagan often said he collected them because he had a “terrible memory”, but friends suspected he simply loved the rhythm of a good line. During his Hollywood years, he scribbled ideas between takes. While touring factories as a spokesman for General Electric in the 1950s, he slipped nuggets of humour into speeches to lift the mood. If he found a line that worked, it went straight onto a card.

One aide later joked that Reagan “carried quotes the way other men carry mints”. He organised them by theme. There were cards for taxes, communism, the economy, ageing, even government bureaucracy. If a joke landed well, it stayed. If it flopped, it quietly vanished from rotation.

• "Don't say he's old, but every time there's a knock on the door he yells 'Everybody hide, it's Indians!'"

• "Never start an argument with a woman when she's tired -- or when she's rested."

• "I won't say he should be put in a mental institution, but if he was in one, don't think I'd let him out."

• "Room bugged? Every time I sneezed the chandelier said, 'Gesundheit!'"

Some of the lines became famous. His favourite quip about government went on a card labelled simply “GOV”:

• “The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and I’m here to help.”

• "Most people would be glad to mind their own business if the government would give it back."

• "Campaign poster should read: 'Caution: Voting for this man may be hazardous to your health, wealth & welfare.'"

• "The art of politics is making people like you, no matter what it costs them."

• "People who think a tax boost will cure inflation are the same ones who believe another drink will cure a hangover."

Others were borrowed from old vaudeville performers or American humourists. Reagan never hid this. He often introduced them with “As someone once said” or “I read this the other day”.

Researchers at the Reagan Presidential Library, which now holds most of the cards, have noted how much they reveal about his thinking. Many entries were not jokes at all but moral reminders. Snippets from Lincoln, Churchill, Seneca, Mark Twain, and Dorothy Parker sit next to punchlines about inflation and Soviet bureaucracy. It is a curious mixture of philosophy and shtick, reflecting a politician who understood how a well placed line could soften a room before a harder message followed.

• "Elderly motorist going down a one-way street. The cop asked, 'Do you know where's you're going?' 'No,' the old fellow admitted, 'but I must be late because everyone else is coming back!'"

• "Congress' biggest job: How to get money from the taxpayer without disturbing the voter."

• "Three ways to get something done: Do it yourself; hire someone to do it; or forbid your kids to do it."

• "Costrophobia: The fear of rising prices."

• "Today's kids are studying in History what we studied in Current Events."

One staffer recalled Reagan polishing lines on flights:

“He would take a card out, read it, smile to himself, then put it back again. It was like watching someone tune a guitar.”

• "Used to talk our problems over cigarettes and coffee. Now cigarettes and coffee ARE our problems."

• "An adolescent kid: Old enough to dress himself if he can only remember where he dropped his clothes."

• "Good judgment comes from experience; experience comes from poor judgment."

• "Before TV no one knew what a head ache looked like."

• "Why can't life's problems hit us when we are 18 and know everything?"

• "This country needs some colleges to teach everything the students think they know."

• "Easier to forgive someone if you get even with them first."

The cards also compensated for the demands of constant public speaking. Reagan had delivered thousands of remarks throughout his career. The index cards gave him a portable reference library he could dip into at a moment’s notice. In unscripted moments, they acted like training wheels. What looked like effortless charm was in fact well prepared craft.

• "Adolescence is the time when children suddenly feel responsible for answering the phone."

• "If at first you don't succeed, do it the way she told you."

• "A compliment may be blunt, but criticism calls for courtesy."

• "Prosperity is something created by businessmen for politicians to take credit for."

• "Modern styles – buckle shoes, loafers, moccasins. A man can earn his Ph.D. without learning to tie his shoelace."

  
  
  

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

After his presidency ended in 1989, the cards became an object of fascination. Historians were struck by how methodical they were. Even detractors, who often criticised his style as overly polished, admitted that the system showed discipline. As one columnist wrote in 1990, “He collected jokes with the seriousness of a scholar.”

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Sources

Ronald Reagan Presidential Library and Museum. https://www.reaganlibrary.gov

Edmund Morris. Dutch: A Memoir of Ronald Reagan. ISBN 9780679450446

Lou Cannon. President Reagan: The Role of a Lifetime. ISBN 9781610392106

ACLU Records on Reagan Speeches (archival notes). https://www.aclu.org

UCLA Center for Oral History Research. https://oralhistory.library.ucla.edu